“A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.”
“Aim low, reach your goals, avoid disappointment.”
“All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.”
“America bombs everyone, but just make sure the jets are eco-friendly.”
“At one point, people are going to have to realize that maybe I do know what I'm doing.”
“Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.”
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
“Bro over escaped the matrix.”
“By all means marry, if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.”
“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.”
“Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.”
“Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.”
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
“Having women work with men in the office is like having a grizzly bear work with salmon... Dipped in honey.”
“He got his good looks from his mother. She's a plastic surgeon.”
“Heard joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, 'Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.' Man bursts into tears. Says, 'But doctor...I am Pagliacci.”
“I always take life with a grain of salt—plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.”
“I don't litter. Not because I care about the Earth. I don't want to throw a pop can over a bush and land beside some dead lady. Now I'm the pepsi-cola killer.”
“I have a degree in liberal arts. Do you want fries with that?”
“I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe, and someone said I was a snake, I'd think, no, actually I'm a giraffe.”
“I was diagnosed with tourettes recently, whenever I see a hot girl I turn into a ventriloquist, 'Godddddamn!”
“I will be brief. Not nearly so brief as Salvador Dali, who gave the world's shortest speech. He said I will be so brief I have already finished and sat down.”
“I'm too afraid not to believe in God especially on an airplane, look God I'm helping this old lady with her luggage, you're not going to let this plane crash are you?”
“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
“If you stick a finger in your butt you'll be able to detect life-threatening colon cancer, but I'll never know.”
“If you're in heaven and I'm not there then you're in the wrong place.”
“If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.”
“It's only unethical if you get caught.”
“Just once, I'd like for someone to call me 'sir' without adding 'you're making a scene.”
“Men want to be alone, but they don't want to be by themselves—they want women around, just not right there. Why can't you just be like, in the vents, or on the roof?”
“My doctor gave me six months to live but when I couldn't pay the bill, he gave me six months more.”
“Ninety percent of baseball is half mental.”
“Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.”
“Oh, we're playing nice now? Shall we have tea first? Brew up a nice pot of kiss-my-ass?”
“Photography freed painting from a lot of tiresome chores, starting with family portraits.”
“Secret to staying young is lying about your age.”
“Shame, for lack of a better word, is good.”
“Sign in a store window: We buy old furniture, we sell antiques.”
“The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.”
“The optimist who fell from a tall building said while passing each story 'all's well so far.”
“The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.”
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”
“The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.”
“The West Side Boys just sounds funny.”
“There's an old saying in Tennessee—I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says, fool me once, shame on—shame on you. Fool me—you can't get fooled again.”
“There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.”
“These are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.”
“This river here is the official geographical limit between Balkan and Middle Europe. Be aware! On the other side: horror, oriental despotism, women get beaten, get raped and like it. On this side: Europe, civilization, women get beaten and raped but don't like it.”
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.”
“Variety may be the spice of life, but monotony is the entire meal.”
“When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?”
“When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'damn, that was fun.”
“Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?”
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there will still be people who hate peaches.”
“You know how pretty a white woman is, how long they will look for her if she goes missing. Imagine a black girl went missing in a boat accident—they'll be standing at the edge of the shore staring out, 'Nope, don't see her. We need to call off the search, conditions are terrible, it's too sunny.”
“You said you were going for a walk!? What kind of walk takes six hours?' 'A long one?”
“The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.”
“We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.”
“In the whole of the New Testament there is not one joke; that fact alone would invalidate any book.”