“Having women work with men in the office is like having a grizzly bear work with salmon... Dipped in honey.”
“I don't litter. Not because I care about the Earth. I don't want to throw a pop can over a bush and land beside some dead lady. Now I'm the pepsi-cola killer.”
“I was diagnosed with tourettes recently, whenever I see a hot girl I turn into a ventriloquist, 'Godddddamn!”
“I'm too afraid not to believe in God especially on an airplane, look God I'm helping this old lady with her luggage, you're not going to let this plane crash are you?”
“If you stick a finger in your butt you'll be able to detect life-threatening colon cancer, but I'll never know.”
“Men want to be alone, but they don't want to be by themselves—they want women around, just not right there. Why can't you just be like, in the vents, or on the roof?”
“You know how pretty a white woman is, how long they will look for her if she goes missing. Imagine a black girl went missing in a boat accident—they'll be standing at the edge of the shore staring out, 'Nope, don't see her. We need to call off the search, conditions are terrible, it's too sunny.”
“Being funny is like being a wizard. You have the power to take people's troubles away with laughter.”
“I don't want to be remembered as just a funny guy. I want to be remembered as a truth teller.”